I guess this week as a whole hasn't exactly been the best week. I know I told myself I was going to be more positive, however after what happened last night that seems to be, once again untrue. I thought I had made a real friend, someone who in the last couple weeks I have really connected to. I thought that I had misunderstood everything that people had said about her, I had told her things about myself. It seemed as if we were becoming really good friends. She was someone who understood how I felt with this school, with being misunderstood. However, after last night and this morning it seemed as if that all changed. I didn't know that I was being a bitch… I honestly thought that she had the door, I never dissed her makeup. She had shot me back with negative accusations, yet all I did was try to apologize, I tried to explain. I didn't mention that she hadn't exactly been treating me like a friend, and also I think she stole money from me. I know lock my doors and keep my valuables hidden. I don't know about our friendship, I honestly thought that we were really good friends. The things you accused and said to me however remind me that I might have been completely wrong.

My whole life I have had a hard time trusting people, I have either put to much trust in someone to the point where they hurt me or I have not trusted someone when I should have. I tend to be sheltered, however when it comes to some things I am very outspoken and loud about them. I don't put up with shit. I don't open up, I have feelings. Even thought I might have seem as if all I do is be a bitch, I really try not to. I don't see myself as it, I really am trying to change, to become a better person. I hoped that maybe this last month would be a easy good month, however a this point I really don't know. I want to say that my attitude has changed and that I'm a more positive person, I truly believe that it's just really hard to feel that way all the time. When I trust someone and become someone's friend I expect at least respect… and I got the farthest thing from that. I guess the only thing I can say is that I need to be more guarded… I can't be myself.

I really did wish that I had made friends that would last, however it is becoming harder and harder to see who is really there for me and who is not. I tried, I really did… I just can't go on like this anymore. I need to leave, to pack my things and go somewhere where I don't have these people around me. I guess the things they say about Point Park Community are bullshit. Remember the quote: "friends forever" that is absolutely fucking bullshit!!

I actually miss putting down my thoughts. It brings me peace for a second, just a time when I can think about the say and just write. Anyways, I guess today's struggle was work. I got so aggravated, I don't think people realize that when we say "we're out of something" you can't ask "why".... I WILL give you attitude. I wish that I called off today, it was just way to stressful. I did however get a lot of things done in terms of my essays. I just want to be ahead, and know that I will be ok. I'm a little worried that my high school transcripts haven't reached any of my colleges yet... I really hope they get there soon...

I guess today was just a normal day. Spending time with my close friend was the best part. I can express my feeling, and know that someone else feel like this and agrees. I am exhausted, but once again I'm falling asleep happy. I don't know if others can see that I have changed, maybe I still seem like the same girl, but I know that i've changed. I know that I'm a better, and happier person. The things I have gotten through and realized in the past month and a half have made me stronger. I really don't care if others can't see that I've changed, all that matters to me is that I can see my change. I hope that one day others can see that I have, and that because of the things that have recently happened I'm happier. I just want to sleep, g'night bloggers, remember: "Sometimes you have to realize you have done all in your power and the only thing to do is wait or leave it be."

It seems like such a beautiful day outside, well it IS such a beautiful day outside yet something isn't right. I love sitting out simply doing homework and relaxing however ever since the rumor had been re-circulating I have become much more observant with the people around me. I feel like every where I go I am being looked at and talked about. All because of one stupid rumor that I had thought I put behind me. Like I said, I didn't come to college to comply be in hight school grade 13. I came to college in the hopes that it would be different, all the cliques, the rumors, and the drama would be gone. When I asked people what college was about they always told me it was nothing like high school, they told me it was completely different. I wanted to believe them, but its nothing like that where I am. A simple rumor is spread faster than water, and its such a small school that everyone knows about it. No one has come to talk to me about it, everyone just assumes the first thing they hear. I'm not going to get into the rumor because it was extreme private and personal. All I can say is that I hoped by the time people are 18-21 all this bullshit has stopped and people have matured. I admit that I have contributed to rumors however I have ever started a rumor. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I have never said anything, but we all have. I am willing to put this all behind me. I feel as if everyone knows all over again, and they are all staring and talking about me. I know its probably simply my imagination but I am still worried about it.

Fot the last month I am here all I ask is for the rumors to stop and to let me just enjoy my last month here with the friends I have made. I really just want this month to be calmness. I you hear something about me come to me and talk to me. I'm not going to bite, intact I will straight up tell you the truth. I would want somme one to do the same to me, the only thing I ask is for this all to stop. Please.

Other than the whole rumor spreading/paranoid thing I guess things have been ok. I ground out that I'm actually going ok in English, if i can do well on my last 4 assignments then I can definitely get a B. I was productive on Sun. and I'm proud of myself for that. Along with that I have been having good things with friends happen. I have grown closer to people and met someone I wish I had met way before this month. I know that I have people behind my back, and that are there for me. Those are the people that I will cherish forever. I don't take friendship lightly, if I'm you're friend I'm by your side through thick ad thin. Over these past few days I have met someone who I think might actually be decent. He is genuine from what I know, he is actually a person I would love to talk to and get to know better. I don't know him very well but I already have so much respect for him, when heard the rumor he ASKED me about it and let me tell my side, and most of all he believed me. When I thanked him for asking me about it instead of simply confronting me all he said was "I know there are 2 sides to every story." I don't know what is going to happen but I want to make this last month count. I know that I am capable of being happy and I am a strong person but sometimes it's hard to look beyond what people are saying and simply ignore it. I guess all I can say is I know that I have people behind my back and that's all that maters. Remember: "Everyday may not be good... but there's something good in everyday."

Wow... it's almost been 3 months since I last posted. It seems like a right time to be posting again thought, I would like to start being active here again. So much has changed. When I got back from break in Jan. the first thing I did was switch rooms. I'm currently in another room with a new roommate and I couldn't be happier. I love my new room and I can only say I wish I had done this earlier.

I guess there are a couple changes in my life. First off I've decided Point Park isn't for me. I'm going to transfer after I finish up this semester. Ive already applied to 5 schools and I'm just waiting to hear back from them. I know that I can't stay here, I'm not happy with it here. It just isn't for me, there are a lot of things that I can't stand here and it would be the best thing for me if I left. I guess the second thing that has changed is that I finally got my first tattoo as well as 3 more piercings. I absolutely love my tattoo and I know that I will never regret getting it. I'm currently saving up for my second tattoo, I have the design all ready, and I can't wait to get it. I guess I can say the final and biggest change with me is my attitude. In the past month and a half I've changed my perspective on life. I use to be a negative person, but in the past few months some things in my life have made a huge impact. I finally realized that I'm done living for someone else, I'm done putting others needs in front of mine, for once in my life I need to do what I want for once. I can't really explain it that well, I guess I'll try the best I can.

I use to be a negative person, I was depressed a lot and didn't have a lot to be grateful, or at least thats what I thought. After a major event happened I realized that, I can't keep living like that. I started to make changes. First of all I realized that I need to stop doing things that weren't me, for example I used to go out with my friends on weekends, I honestly hated that. I would much rather stay in a just chill and get things done, I wanted to fit in so hard at the beginning of college I just went along with the crowd. I realized that that isn't me, I am now perfectly content being by myself and just staying in on the weekends. I also realized that I need to be more grateful. Yes, things in my life aren't perfect but they could be way worse. I shouldn't be so focused on the negatives in my life but the positives. I have so much I should be thankful, for the friends who have been by my side all along, the support I have gotten from my parents, and the opportunities I have gotten. I realized that there comes a point where I have done everything I possibly do in a situation and it's time to simply stop trying. I had consumed all of these years on something and I finally was done, I did everything I did, it was up to them if they wanted to step up or not.

I use to worry so much about what people said and thought about me. I worried about that constantly, I was so worried about being liked by everyone. Ever since I was younger I know that I've tried to act like girls in those bratty movies, that't not me. I'm not worried about everyone liking me, or even those opinions anymore. My thing is that I am a bluntly honest person, I will be straight forward with you and tell you like it is. I may come across as harsh but I do it because I would rather not be told a lie, especially when it leads on for months, I want to be told the truth upfront and I hope that people will give me that respect. If you don't like me, that's perfectly alright but please don't pretend to be my friend and make me trust you only to find out it was all fake. People don't understand I get upset, but doesn't everyone? Some people are just better at masking it, if I walk away crying, let me go, I'll be fine. For me now; if you don't like me being bluntly honest thats fine. The people that honestly know me or take the time to get to know me know that I may be guarded and speak my mind but I'm also by their sides through thick and thin. I don't take friendship lightly and all I expect back is the same respect from you. If you don't like my attitude fine, you honestly have two choices: understand that that's how I am, and that if you could take the time to know me you would find different or 2: theres the door feel free to walk.

All I can say is that after this I am a much more positive, happy person. I don't dwell on the past, I know that I can't try and make everything happen, sometimes it's simply out of my control. I don't freak about every little thing anymore. For me instead I think, "does this matter in a year, in a month?" I'm not going to let a situation that is going to mean nothing in a month define my entire day, week, life. I am finally beginning to be happy with myself. I know I still have a ways to go but for the first time ever, I feel myself more positive. I'm happier with the person I'm becoming. I know that everyone has bad days, including me, we're human but I can't let those days drag on. I know that after everything I have been through I'm a stronger person and if I can get through what I have I can make the change and be the person I want to be. I have those friends who have been by my side and I appreciate them more than anything else. I am grateful for the life I have, it's not perfect. I still wish I had somethings and I know that the things I want my parents won't understand how I feel about them. However I also know how lucky I am for the life I have, I shouldn't ever wake up and be ungrateful. I am finally happy with who I am becoming and I'm going to continue with this. I hope to keep writing sooner, it's currently 6:30am and I have to get ready for class. But remember: "Sometimes, the best way to he happy is to learn to let go of the things you tried hard to hold not to that are no longer good  for you."

Wow... it's already Jan. 3rd 2014!!! In 2013 so many things have happened and so many things have changed. I guess I main thing that happened was the I started a new chapter in my life, I started college. I had the chance to start over somewhere where no-one knew me, where no-one knew my past. I have met so many new people at college, so many new friends that are going to be there for the rest of my life. Of course there are people that I don't get along with… particularly my roommate, I'm sorry but she is a bitch. I'm not even going to touch on that because I can go on for hours about how much I hate her. I know how strong the word hate is but that's what it is. I can't think of anything I like about her.

Anyways… I have met so many others that have been by my side. In my first semester I have grown so much in who I am. I had to adjust in a new city in another state, a whole new school, and make all new friends. I have had some of the most amazing times in college so far. I have learned lessons of trust, maturity, and finding myself. The struggles I have had in college have only made me think more about what I want in my life.

I know that my college isnt for me however, it's not the college I imagined myself at. I have made the decision to transfer this fall. I will be taking boring Gen. Eds this second semester as well as taking community classes over the summer in hopes that they will transfer to my new college. My current college is a great college for people majoring in dance, musical theater, or acting. However, for a psychology/criminal justice major it's only wasting my time and money. I finished my first semester with a 3.6. I am not happy with that and I want to finish the second semester with a 4.3 and hopefully finish off my first year of college with a 4.0.

I guess the times that I have had this year both at home, in school, and out-and-about have made me realize how much it is in the real world. Recently I have had some heart to heart talks with my friends and they have helped me realize that I am so negative, but in order to do anything in this life you can't be so negative all the time. I liked to think of it as me just being realistic, but they say that being realistic is the same thing as being negative. I have recently thought I had made the right choice with a guy, hover in the past few days I keep second guessing myself. Does he really want to put the effort in? He knew me before, he knew what I was like, however when I called him yesterday he seemed harsher. I had texted him before and he usually reads and responds but the hasn't. If he is having second thoughts can you pleas tell me? I would rather know now and not have to deal with such a long heartbreak then learn later and get more attached.

Anyways in the is new year, in 2014, I have so many goals or resolutions. I guess some of them are more realistic then others, I know people say new years resolutions never work, but for me its not the resolutions its just being able to see what I WANT to accomplish. I guess the important things are: be more positive, be healthier, and say yes and mean it. There are others but they are minor. I have made mistakes, and god knows I'm going to make so many more. Maybe even the same ones, yet everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes it just takes others longer to learn from them than others. I hope you all had a safe and happy new years. I hope 2014 is your best year yet!! Remember: "Do what YOU want, make this year YOUR year. Good Luck!"

Watching people in jail may be one of the things that makes me re-evaluate my life. My views on things like jails, death penalties, and what I would do if I was ever in jail are not like anyone else's views I know. I feel as if everyone makes mistakes, some are bigger than others but I also believe that everyone should have a chance to start over. God knows I've made so many mistakes, and I'm gonna be making a lot more. It's part of being a human. I believe people do horrible horrible things but the fact that prison guards got to the extent of such violence to the inmates just makes me sick. Treating people like they are nothing is not a way to treat anyone, not even the worst person in the planet.

No one is ever born as a bad kid. Everyone learns the bad things they do. Some people don't have a way out, or not that they can see of. They think the only way they can survive is to learn the ways of their friends and family members. That means anywhere from gangs to armed robbery. Some people don't have the life I have, the caring community and parents with opportunities for me to strive. When I mess up I am able to get another chance, we should give people that same opportunity to make changes. Everyday you wake up you have the opportunity to make your life better, one step is still a step.

Other than that note life is pretty good. I'm doing well at my job, and I'm getting use to serving. Being able to spend time with my friends back home is wonderful. I love the freedom I have with a car. My relationship with my family has grown stronger. I look forward to conversations now. I feel as if I no longer need to hide things, I'm old enough that I am responsible and there is nothing I have to hide. This is something I should have done a long time ago, but better late than never. I hope you all are having a great Holiday and I'll talk to you later. Remember: "Everyday you wake up you have the choice to change to to not."

Lets see I've been home for 2 days and I would have to say it's pretty good. I thought being home for a whole month would be a disaster, so far not too much of one. I wonder how long this will last though. I now have a car I guess the real question is will I survive my job? I finally was able to go and get my old job back, I'm a waitress at iHop. It's not the best job honestly, I need as new one but I need experience id to be able to get another job… hopefully in the summer.

I am trying my best to get along with my parents, I really am. But I don't think that is going to be my main problem. I guess I would say figuring out what I want is going to be the main problem. Having you in my life is great, I love being able to say that you're mine and have people tell me "you're so lucky, he's so cute" but yet at the same time is this the right one? I saw you yesterday and I really questioned my decision. I want this to work, but do I have the faith and the courage to go on? I don't really know what to say so I'm just gonna go and try and sort things out. I'll talk to you all later. Remember "Sometimes the right decision is the hardest one to make."