God things like this just piss me off! I understand that we have our problems but going to this extent is just stupid. We all have your problems, yours are mood issues, being a bitch, and not getting that you're boyfriend doesn't like you. I use to del bad for you but not anymore. You are just another person in the distance. No longer my friend, just some bitch I have to live with. I honestly wish that we had never roomed together because as much as it was "ok" at first we all know that it's not ok now. I can't believe I got you all these things and how do you re-pay me? With making me feel like shit?

I realize that I have my temper issues and one thing I do is overreact. I just need you to understand that all you need to do is step away from the situation. I really am working on it. I truly am. I want this to get better but it just seems like every time I take one step forward I take 3 steps back. When are things going to get better between us? When will things go back to being normal. I came to college and I loved it. Now it's becoming my worst nightmare. 

On top of all that my bus ticket hasn't come yet they have billed me for it. They are being uncooperative and I'm about done with this all. I honestly just want to curl up and die. I can't be having this right now. I need to find something that I love and that will be with me forever. You need to understand that everyone is different it doesn't mean they are bad. I just wish that I could have another chance, that I could come to college. Tonight is just a ultimate low. I can't think of a quote. I need a break to collect my thoughts, if you don't hear from me that is why. Goodnight. 

Jesus! Another whole week, ya, I'm slacking. I guess this past week I had been planning on writing but so much came up I didn't have time. The past week has been one of the hardest weeks here at college so far. I have had everything from screaming to deep talks. I guess the most important thing to tell you guys is that I got into a fight with my best friend here at college.

It was stupid and I had overreacted and I regret it so much now. It's to upsetting to write about right now but it made me realize that I have to change my attitude and how sensitive I am if I want to do anything in this world. All I can hope is that if we really are best fiends that it will only take a matter of time before we are back at the same old. I did get an answer that cleared so many of my questions up. I am thankful for that.

On top of that I have had the stress of drama between roommates and a drug bust across the hall. There is too much on my plate and I find myself alone a lot more. I frequently go down to the water and sit there and think or write. I have decided I am going to start a book. It might not get published but who knows?

I'll have more time to write later because I'm heading home for Thanksgiving. But I'm exhausted so goodnight bloggers. Remember: "Don't waste a single moment with feelings that will last a second."

Oh wow… I haven't written in a whole week! I feel like such a slacker. So much has happened since then. I actually studied for the first time this week. Like, really sat down and studied for about 6 hours. My stomach has been bothering me more than usual lately. I'm not really sure what it is. I have just been really nauseous lately.

I guess the main thing that has happened is that I have switched my major in college. I had been a psychology major but I just switched to Criminal Justice. I realized the psychology program here wasn't for me. I didn't like it, and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get a job. Stupid I know, but I figured I honestly don't know what I want to do with my life. I figured I would rather pick something I am interested in and go for that, rather than wasting money for 4 years of college where I would just go back. I'm not sure if I made the right choice, but I realized that sometimes you just have to accept that you are utterly confused, and you just need to make the best decision you can with what you have.

I ordered my tickets to go back home for Thanksgiving break! I'm so excited to see some of my old friends back home!! I of course could care less about some of them. I know that I have had bad experiences with a lot of them and I'm not trying to go back to that. I just need to make sure I spend time with my family as well. They are important, and I came home to see them as well. If I can't see everyone in a week, then I still have a whole month to see them in 2 weeks. I am actually planning on going black friday shopping for the first time, and I couldn't be more excited! I realized that I need to start Christmas shopping because most of the people I am giving gifts to are with me at college. I only have ONE weekend when I come back and I will be studying for finals! I realized that the only realistic time for me to go to Target would be tomorrow. I don't know exactly what I am getting because I was trying to save for Black Friday, but because I am skeptical I would rather not take chances.

I am still so confused about how I feel about you. I know that when I talk to you everything just seems so normal. I don't want to mess up our friendship… I talked to people and they think that you like me, but as always I am not sure. It seems like we just have a best-friend type of relationship. I don't know if we would work as a couple. I honestly would like to try it but I have never been in a actual functional relationship so you would have to be patient with me. As for the other situation I just can't see it working out. I hate knowing that but everything I once felt for you is almost completely gone. All I see you as now is a best friend. More like a brother. I can never see us working out and I don't want to waste either of our times when I wouldn't be giving it my 110%.

Until then I'm just going to keep my chin up and try and make the best of the situation. I'm heading off to a movie now, but I real am going to try and write more often!! Goodnight bloggers. Remember: "Sometimes the people you love the most are the ones you need to let go of."

Yesterday it was a normal day, boring, depressing, and just blah. Except for that night I got to hang out with some friends I had wanted to see. I had so much fun with all of them, I got to meet a new friend as well. It may have been one of the best nights in a while that I have had! I can't wait to see and hang out with them agin. The conversations I got to have were very interesting.

Today I woke up and I thought it would be a good day. I thought today would be a great day, shopping first and then a surprise birthday dinner. I didn't realize that everything would work turn out a mess. I understand things happen, but I felt like I actually tried to do something nice for once and it backfired on me. I just was..disappointed. I was able to hang out with people that I had wanted to hang out with for a while. That was good. I was upset and I saw one of my friends and I gave her a weird look… I didn't know it was her, and it looked like I was evil glaring at her. I feel so bad, I couldn't make out who it was… Anyways what really mattered was that at the end of the night I went into your room and I got a good vibe. When you told me that I realized that you weren't ignoring me. I have been avoiding you, because I didn't want you to get annoyed or anything worse. I know I said I was avoiding you… It may have been the wrong thing..again.

Anyways I'm going to bed. Goodnight bloggers, remember: "You don't know your future, take risks because sometimes that's how you make your future."

I have been attached to my show non-stop. I really want a pit-bull now… they are not that cute, but all I want is a nice dog that needs a good home. For me it doesn't matter so much about how they look but more like how they are with me and that they love me. I have been super moody lately and I'm not sure why. I hate it, it's not me. I find myself much more aggressive, much more angry, and bitchy. I feel as if a lot of my friends are being lost and think this is me…it really isn't.

I am most worried about my close friendship with my best friend here. I want us to stay close but it seems like lately we have lost connection. What have I done that was wrong, I don't want to be that annoying girl. I want the connection we once had that meant so much to me, to come back. I miss you… Maybe we just need some time apart. I hope things really do get better. I need you here, I need the friendship we had to come back. It's not the fact that we laugh and argue all the time and fight like cats and dogs that I miss. It's the intimate connection we had between each other. I miss the conversations that were from the heart I miss the most. All I can do right now is wait… and wish. It's a waiting game.

I''m excited to go back home. I am excited to see my close friends I can't wait to see my best friend, and hang out and catch up. I really hope everything with my family is well. On another note I am completely exited to start my new major next semester! I transferred from a psychology major to a criminal justice major. I honestly don't know what I want to do when I "grow up." I am 18 I have ideas what I am interested in but I don't know what I want to do for a career. I hated the psychology program here, I knew I wouldn't be interested in that but I am interested in criminal justice. I looked at the course and electives, I thought about the options, and the effect of changing majors, and this is the right choice for me.

My brand new shirt has a giant hole in it… along with 20+ other items of clothing… stupid dryers!!
I have work tomorrow at 7am so I need sleep given that I woke up at 6am to go running, in the freezing cold and rain. Goodnight bloggers, remember: "People will come in and out of your life, but some will come in and leave footprints in your heart forever."

So these past few days has been a wave of emotions. Yesterday… well lets see I was seriously thinking about transferring schools… I love Park Park and the people I have met here… But I hate the shitty service, how nothing works, people take your shit, and the city just isn't for me. I wasn't smart when picking my college. I applied to 6 colleges, I only visited 3… and 2 of them I knew I wasn't going to be going. People say you know it's your college when you go there and you love it. When I went to visit here I didn't love it… I thought it was like another college and it looked "ok" to me. I didn't realize that so many things here were wrong. The food sucks, the city is not for me, the wifi doesn't work, there is no way to get anywhere because buses don't work, the washers and dryers are always broken, and the elevators never work. I came here because it was far away from my home, I needed a change and also because I got 2 scholarships. I will be honest it wasn't my first choice, and I wish I would have looked at more colleges. If you are majoring in dance, acting, or musical theater this may just be the perfect school for you… but if you want to major in something like psychology this isn't the place. The amount of money you are paying to go here isn't worth the poor psychology program they have here. Save your time and money and find a place where you will fall in love with.

Aside from that aspect onto more positive/normal notes. I have decided to switch my major here and study criminal justice instead. I'm hoping I can still minor in psychology. I will loose one scholarship but I don't want to waste money on something I don't want to do or I hate. I have still been feeling shitty, I'm still constantly nauseous and I actually stayed home today because I felt so bad. I have fallen in love with the show "Pitt bulls and Parolees." I actually got some good news about somethings I have been worried about. I still don't know my feelings or what I want with anything… anything. But I feel like I can work through it and everything will be ok.

I'm worried for my best friend back home. I am worried about you and I hope everything works out. I wish I could be there for her. I am watching my show and I just saw one of the guys that is getting married. He met here in  high school, they dated, broke up and then met up again 20 years later, and are now getting married. This gives me so much hope, and I know that anything can happen, I just have to wait.

Nausea, one of those things that you hate. Lately I have been very nauseous I'm not sure if it is because of my birth control, or because I am getting sick. My roommate and all my friends are also coming down with a stomach bug. Today I was extremely tired, and all I felt like doing was eating and sleeping. I did however end up going to the store. The weird thing about me is that I will be so nauseous but still eat whatever is NOT good for you to eat. My friend introduced me to a show called Dawson's Creek and I actually really like it. It's is like a teenage soap opera but I can relate to a lot of the characters, plus it's something new to watch.

I have been having a lot of doubts about my future. I honestly don't know what I want to do. I thought I was passionate with psychology but now that I think about it, is that really what I want to study? I know things that I am interested in, but I don't know what I want to study or what I want to be when I grow up. I know its shallow of me but I want a job that I love but also makes a decent amount of money. I don't know what I want to do, I don't know where I want to live or what my future will be at all. This thought of not knowing makes me scared, will I be able to live on my own, and grow up? I feel as if it looks so easy in movies, yet when it comes to real life it's not all a happy life. I know I will need to find a steady job, but where will I live, am I going to meet that one person and when, where? I guess I just have to wait, but waiting is the worst part.

Ive been thinking about maybe self publishing my own book? I love to write yet I am horrible at grammar and spelling, and who is going to buy my book? I guess all my feelings right now are just jumbled up. My feelings on school, my future, and relationships. I just want someone to tell me the pain aspect of what will happen in my future so I can be a little more at ease… but unfortunately that doesn't happen…at all. No one can tell you exactly what your future will be like, or even vaguely what it will be like, but I guess that's the beauty of life. I need to go to sleep and think… goodnight bloggers, and remember: "If you think too much about the future you will miss everything going on in the present."

Today was one of those days where your past comes back. I talked to a old co-worker and found out things about where I use to work. I realized how much things have changed for both me and them in the past 3 months. I can say that I know I have matured and I hope that they have too. When I go back for winter break I can only hope that I don't go back into old habits and I stay true to who I am. I am not a part of what I use to be. I'm not going to be that girl who hooks up, and shows off. People change and I have seen that everywhere. I'm simply there to make money and that's it. My life is not there anymore, I'm in college and I am ready to grow up. Anyone that still works there, I know may be down on life. But no matter how low or how old you are, you still have the ability to get up and make something else of your life.

The conversation really made me realize how much I have changed. I no longer think about this summer with you, about how I tried to chase after you without any luck. No longer will I be doing that. I know there will never be anything. I was stupid, and ever since I came here I realized that you were just using me. I never should have fallen, but at least I have learned. I sincerely hope you are happy with how everything is going with you and your new girlfriend. I know things won't be exactly the same, but I don't want things to be the way they were in the summer. I know someday my guy will come to me, but I'm a freshman in college… I have time. Besides if I have learned one thing about relationships and how to make them work is: you guys have to be solid best friends first, you might date other people, and it may take a year or more. Don't rush into things because it won't work if you do that.

I'm so tired, and I'm nauseous as well. I think I'm coming down with something so I'm going to try and get some more rest. Good night bloggers, Remember: "The things that happened in the past are the past, don't let them ruin you, because each day you grow and mature."

Some people have the decency!! Sorry guys, I had a rough evening. I went to a event at my school and there was this woman there who annoyed me so much! She is a psychologist and she was talking about her different patients, ex: "this one tried to commit suicide, this one is homeless, etc" I don't care if you didn't use their names, you are talking to a group of college , and graduate students. You don't know that no-one has a connection to any of the patients your talking about. It's not right, and I swear if you ever open your mouth about that again I will make sure that I go to your work and you will be out of a job within a week. I know people must think I go over the top and crazy, but I would never actually hurt someone.

Anyways I woke up for work at 7am… I was so tired, but it ended up being actually ok. This afternoon was a little rough. I was really neaseous and I was just exhausted. On top of all that I had to get a flu shot, not my favorite way to spend a Friday afternoon. This evening I was so bored I resorted to organizing, and cleaning my room. I have homework I need to do, laundry I need to do… I'm just to lazy to do any of that. Laundry requires me to go down to the washers and sit there for 2 hours. Homework… I just really have no motivation to do that. It however might come to that… I do like those quite nights but I have had those way to much lately. I hope that these nights get a bit more interesting.

I guess the last thing that is bothering me is my reflecting. I still don't know what is going on between us. I think I like you but I'm trying to convince myself as well everyone else I talk to that I don't like you. But is that really how I feel? That is the question I ask myself everyday. I just want answers. Can someone give that to me? Anyways I think I'm going to try to do something kinda interesting, remember: "Sometimes you can't explain what you see in a person. It's just the way they take you to a place no one else can."