Watching people in jail may be one of the things that makes me re-evaluate my life. My views on things like jails, death penalties, and what I would do if I was ever in jail are not like anyone else's views I know. I feel as if everyone makes mistakes, some are bigger than others but I also believe that everyone should have a chance to start over. God knows I've made so many mistakes, and I'm gonna be making a lot more. It's part of being a human. I believe people do horrible horrible things but the fact that prison guards got to the extent of such violence to the inmates just makes me sick. Treating people like they are nothing is not a way to treat anyone, not even the worst person in the planet.

No one is ever born as a bad kid. Everyone learns the bad things they do. Some people don't have a way out, or not that they can see of. They think the only way they can survive is to learn the ways of their friends and family members. That means anywhere from gangs to armed robbery. Some people don't have the life I have, the caring community and parents with opportunities for me to strive. When I mess up I am able to get another chance, we should give people that same opportunity to make changes. Everyday you wake up you have the opportunity to make your life better, one step is still a step.

Other than that note life is pretty good. I'm doing well at my job, and I'm getting use to serving. Being able to spend time with my friends back home is wonderful. I love the freedom I have with a car. My relationship with my family has grown stronger. I look forward to conversations now. I feel as if I no longer need to hide things, I'm old enough that I am responsible and there is nothing I have to hide. This is something I should have done a long time ago, but better late than never. I hope you all are having a great Holiday and I'll talk to you later. Remember: "Everyday you wake up you have the choice to change to to not."

Lets see I've been home for 2 days and I would have to say it's pretty good. I thought being home for a whole month would be a disaster, so far not too much of one. I wonder how long this will last though. I now have a car I guess the real question is will I survive my job? I finally was able to go and get my old job back, I'm a waitress at iHop. It's not the best job honestly, I need as new one but I need experience id to be able to get another job… hopefully in the summer.

I am trying my best to get along with my parents, I really am. But I don't think that is going to be my main problem. I guess I would say figuring out what I want is going to be the main problem. Having you in my life is great, I love being able to say that you're mine and have people tell me "you're so lucky, he's so cute" but yet at the same time is this the right one? I saw you yesterday and I really questioned my decision. I want this to work, but do I have the faith and the courage to go on? I don't really know what to say so I'm just gonna go and try and sort things out. I'll talk to you all later. Remember "Sometimes the right decision is the hardest one to make."

How do I start? Lets just start by saying I made it through my first semester in college!! I can’t thank all the people who I have met, became close with, and believed in me for a first semester I will never forget. I can still remember the first day I moved in I was on Facebook and I saw this girl and invited her down to hang out, little did I know she would and still is one of my closest friends here.. I have had my ups and downs, my doubts, and worries about college. Yet throughout all of this I have learned. I have learned to be myself, to trust and not to trust, and to give people a second chance.

These are the life lessons I will come back with, not the grades or the test scores, simply my experiences; I had that reputation for the girl that partied to hard, I will admit that. Guys, don’t have that reputation is sucks, save yourself and party responsibly. My grades have been good, or as far as I can tell. I still have my doubts about this school, it’s s great school however is it really the school for me? I love the people I have met here however the education is not as good as I thought. I made the mistake of only visiting 3 out of the 7 colleges I applied to . I knew from the beginning of the tour I was not going to go to 2 of the 3 I visited. I made the mistake of not “falling in love” with my college. I don’t know Pittsburgh that well, I mean I have only been here 4 months. I’m seriously thinking of transferring to PITT. it’s a lot more work, and a lot harder, but I want that challenge. I would rather have to work my ass off now and be use to it for graduate school than breeze through everything here yet get to stress with graduate school. Pitt. I close enough to Point Park that I can easily go and visit my friends at Point Park. I like that they have a actual campus campus. they have a lot more diversity and they have a better education program. Of course this is a huge decision I’m still thinking about it but I know I can’t be here for 4 years.

In college I have learned that only a few people from back home will be by your side in times of need. In college it’s been hard to connect sometimes, I have a temper as well as being super emotional (not a good mix). I have had several times when I just went into the hallway and cried. There were 3 people always by my side since day #1 of college: Marshall, Jon, and Sofia. They are always going to care, and I will always care about them. I know a lot of people drift apart from their friends and that has happened to a bunch of my friends. But however at the same time I have made some great new friends I love hanging out with. I like that in college you can just be yourself, you have the freedom to make your own choices, and you have to endure the consequences to that freedom. I have loved meeting new people, whether it’s at my school or through a mutual friend.

I know that I am more fit, I had been going to the gym regularly. I’m trying not to gain the freshman 15. I have had my fair share of peopblems ill admit theat. I fight all the time and I express my opinion whether people want to hear it or not. Classes are boring to the point where I have switched my majors from psychology to criminal justice. I hope I can continue to go to the gym because I actually really like it.

The one person who has been by my side throughout my whole first semester journey is Marshall. He is truly what I consider a best friend. He is there for me, he cares, and he is harsh sometimes. He makes me get my work done, which is very good. He has such a kind heart, I know a lot of people don’t like him but I can see beyond that, I have gotten to know the real Marshall and I love that!! When I’m in the hallway upset he is the one to come and make sure I’m ok. We have a lot in common; he is the main reason why I haven’t dropped out yet. He has made sure my ass is in line. We have had o many memories together that I will never forget and I know that if we have faith we will make our friendship last forever.

I’ve been so stressed with finals, and I’m not feeling good right now. I will miss the city and the school when I go back home for a month. The friends I have made here at this school and made memories with will forever me a part of me. They have helped me grown and learn and I don’t know how I could ever re-pay you for that. All I can say is thank you, to each and every one of you. I truly appreciate what you al have done to me. To my fellow bloggers, I hope you have a great day and I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Remember: “The best things in life happen when you’re not looking. Which is why you close your eyes when you kiss, cry, and dream." 

God things like this just piss me off! I understand that we have our problems but going to this extent is just stupid. We all have your problems, yours are mood issues, being a bitch, and not getting that you're boyfriend doesn't like you. I use to del bad for you but not anymore. You are just another person in the distance. No longer my friend, just some bitch I have to live with. I honestly wish that we had never roomed together because as much as it was "ok" at first we all know that it's not ok now. I can't believe I got you all these things and how do you re-pay me? With making me feel like shit?

I realize that I have my temper issues and one thing I do is overreact. I just need you to understand that all you need to do is step away from the situation. I really am working on it. I truly am. I want this to get better but it just seems like every time I take one step forward I take 3 steps back. When are things going to get better between us? When will things go back to being normal. I came to college and I loved it. Now it's becoming my worst nightmare. 

On top of all that my bus ticket hasn't come yet they have billed me for it. They are being uncooperative and I'm about done with this all. I honestly just want to curl up and die. I can't be having this right now. I need to find something that I love and that will be with me forever. You need to understand that everyone is different it doesn't mean they are bad. I just wish that I could have another chance, that I could come to college. Tonight is just a ultimate low. I can't think of a quote. I need a break to collect my thoughts, if you don't hear from me that is why. Goodnight. 

Jesus! Another whole week, ya, I'm slacking. I guess this past week I had been planning on writing but so much came up I didn't have time. The past week has been one of the hardest weeks here at college so far. I have had everything from screaming to deep talks. I guess the most important thing to tell you guys is that I got into a fight with my best friend here at college.

It was stupid and I had overreacted and I regret it so much now. It's to upsetting to write about right now but it made me realize that I have to change my attitude and how sensitive I am if I want to do anything in this world. All I can hope is that if we really are best fiends that it will only take a matter of time before we are back at the same old. I did get an answer that cleared so many of my questions up. I am thankful for that.

On top of that I have had the stress of drama between roommates and a drug bust across the hall. There is too much on my plate and I find myself alone a lot more. I frequently go down to the water and sit there and think or write. I have decided I am going to start a book. It might not get published but who knows?

I'll have more time to write later because I'm heading home for Thanksgiving. But I'm exhausted so goodnight bloggers. Remember: "Don't waste a single moment with feelings that will last a second."

Oh wow… I haven't written in a whole week! I feel like such a slacker. So much has happened since then. I actually studied for the first time this week. Like, really sat down and studied for about 6 hours. My stomach has been bothering me more than usual lately. I'm not really sure what it is. I have just been really nauseous lately.

I guess the main thing that has happened is that I have switched my major in college. I had been a psychology major but I just switched to Criminal Justice. I realized the psychology program here wasn't for me. I didn't like it, and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get a job. Stupid I know, but I figured I honestly don't know what I want to do with my life. I figured I would rather pick something I am interested in and go for that, rather than wasting money for 4 years of college where I would just go back. I'm not sure if I made the right choice, but I realized that sometimes you just have to accept that you are utterly confused, and you just need to make the best decision you can with what you have.

I ordered my tickets to go back home for Thanksgiving break! I'm so excited to see some of my old friends back home!! I of course could care less about some of them. I know that I have had bad experiences with a lot of them and I'm not trying to go back to that. I just need to make sure I spend time with my family as well. They are important, and I came home to see them as well. If I can't see everyone in a week, then I still have a whole month to see them in 2 weeks. I am actually planning on going black friday shopping for the first time, and I couldn't be more excited! I realized that I need to start Christmas shopping because most of the people I am giving gifts to are with me at college. I only have ONE weekend when I come back and I will be studying for finals! I realized that the only realistic time for me to go to Target would be tomorrow. I don't know exactly what I am getting because I was trying to save for Black Friday, but because I am skeptical I would rather not take chances.

I am still so confused about how I feel about you. I know that when I talk to you everything just seems so normal. I don't want to mess up our friendship… I talked to people and they think that you like me, but as always I am not sure. It seems like we just have a best-friend type of relationship. I don't know if we would work as a couple. I honestly would like to try it but I have never been in a actual functional relationship so you would have to be patient with me. As for the other situation I just can't see it working out. I hate knowing that but everything I once felt for you is almost completely gone. All I see you as now is a best friend. More like a brother. I can never see us working out and I don't want to waste either of our times when I wouldn't be giving it my 110%.

Until then I'm just going to keep my chin up and try and make the best of the situation. I'm heading off to a movie now, but I real am going to try and write more often!! Goodnight bloggers. Remember: "Sometimes the people you love the most are the ones you need to let go of."

Yesterday it was a normal day, boring, depressing, and just blah. Except for that night I got to hang out with some friends I had wanted to see. I had so much fun with all of them, I got to meet a new friend as well. It may have been one of the best nights in a while that I have had! I can't wait to see and hang out with them agin. The conversations I got to have were very interesting.

Today I woke up and I thought it would be a good day. I thought today would be a great day, shopping first and then a surprise birthday dinner. I didn't realize that everything would work turn out a mess. I understand things happen, but I felt like I actually tried to do something nice for once and it backfired on me. I just was..disappointed. I was able to hang out with people that I had wanted to hang out with for a while. That was good. I was upset and I saw one of my friends and I gave her a weird look… I didn't know it was her, and it looked like I was evil glaring at her. I feel so bad, I couldn't make out who it was… Anyways what really mattered was that at the end of the night I went into your room and I got a good vibe. When you told me that I realized that you weren't ignoring me. I have been avoiding you, because I didn't want you to get annoyed or anything worse. I know I said I was avoiding you… It may have been the wrong thing..again.

Anyways I'm going to bed. Goodnight bloggers, remember: "You don't know your future, take risks because sometimes that's how you make your future."

I have been attached to my show non-stop. I really want a pit-bull now… they are not that cute, but all I want is a nice dog that needs a good home. For me it doesn't matter so much about how they look but more like how they are with me and that they love me. I have been super moody lately and I'm not sure why. I hate it, it's not me. I find myself much more aggressive, much more angry, and bitchy. I feel as if a lot of my friends are being lost and think this is me…it really isn't.

I am most worried about my close friendship with my best friend here. I want us to stay close but it seems like lately we have lost connection. What have I done that was wrong, I don't want to be that annoying girl. I want the connection we once had that meant so much to me, to come back. I miss you… Maybe we just need some time apart. I hope things really do get better. I need you here, I need the friendship we had to come back. It's not the fact that we laugh and argue all the time and fight like cats and dogs that I miss. It's the intimate connection we had between each other. I miss the conversations that were from the heart I miss the most. All I can do right now is wait… and wish. It's a waiting game.

I''m excited to go back home. I am excited to see my close friends I can't wait to see my best friend, and hang out and catch up. I really hope everything with my family is well. On another note I am completely exited to start my new major next semester! I transferred from a psychology major to a criminal justice major. I honestly don't know what I want to do when I "grow up." I am 18 I have ideas what I am interested in but I don't know what I want to do for a career. I hated the psychology program here, I knew I wouldn't be interested in that but I am interested in criminal justice. I looked at the course and electives, I thought about the options, and the effect of changing majors, and this is the right choice for me.

My brand new shirt has a giant hole in it… along with 20+ other items of clothing… stupid dryers!!
I have work tomorrow at 7am so I need sleep given that I woke up at 6am to go running, in the freezing cold and rain. Goodnight bloggers, remember: "People will come in and out of your life, but some will come in and leave footprints in your heart forever."

So these past few days has been a wave of emotions. Yesterday… well lets see I was seriously thinking about transferring schools… I love Park Park and the people I have met here… But I hate the shitty service, how nothing works, people take your shit, and the city just isn't for me. I wasn't smart when picking my college. I applied to 6 colleges, I only visited 3… and 2 of them I knew I wasn't going to be going. People say you know it's your college when you go there and you love it. When I went to visit here I didn't love it… I thought it was like another college and it looked "ok" to me. I didn't realize that so many things here were wrong. The food sucks, the city is not for me, the wifi doesn't work, there is no way to get anywhere because buses don't work, the washers and dryers are always broken, and the elevators never work. I came here because it was far away from my home, I needed a change and also because I got 2 scholarships. I will be honest it wasn't my first choice, and I wish I would have looked at more colleges. If you are majoring in dance, acting, or musical theater this may just be the perfect school for you… but if you want to major in something like psychology this isn't the place. The amount of money you are paying to go here isn't worth the poor psychology program they have here. Save your time and money and find a place where you will fall in love with.

Aside from that aspect onto more positive/normal notes. I have decided to switch my major here and study criminal justice instead. I'm hoping I can still minor in psychology. I will loose one scholarship but I don't want to waste money on something I don't want to do or I hate. I have still been feeling shitty, I'm still constantly nauseous and I actually stayed home today because I felt so bad. I have fallen in love with the show "Pitt bulls and Parolees." I actually got some good news about somethings I have been worried about. I still don't know my feelings or what I want with anything… anything. But I feel like I can work through it and everything will be ok.

I'm worried for my best friend back home. I am worried about you and I hope everything works out. I wish I could be there for her. I am watching my show and I just saw one of the guys that is getting married. He met here in  high school, they dated, broke up and then met up again 20 years later, and are now getting married. This gives me so much hope, and I know that anything can happen, I just have to wait.

Nausea, one of those things that you hate. Lately I have been very nauseous I'm not sure if it is because of my birth control, or because I am getting sick. My roommate and all my friends are also coming down with a stomach bug. Today I was extremely tired, and all I felt like doing was eating and sleeping. I did however end up going to the store. The weird thing about me is that I will be so nauseous but still eat whatever is NOT good for you to eat. My friend introduced me to a show called Dawson's Creek and I actually really like it. It's is like a teenage soap opera but I can relate to a lot of the characters, plus it's something new to watch.

I have been having a lot of doubts about my future. I honestly don't know what I want to do. I thought I was passionate with psychology but now that I think about it, is that really what I want to study? I know things that I am interested in, but I don't know what I want to study or what I want to be when I grow up. I know its shallow of me but I want a job that I love but also makes a decent amount of money. I don't know what I want to do, I don't know where I want to live or what my future will be at all. This thought of not knowing makes me scared, will I be able to live on my own, and grow up? I feel as if it looks so easy in movies, yet when it comes to real life it's not all a happy life. I know I will need to find a steady job, but where will I live, am I going to meet that one person and when, where? I guess I just have to wait, but waiting is the worst part.

Ive been thinking about maybe self publishing my own book? I love to write yet I am horrible at grammar and spelling, and who is going to buy my book? I guess all my feelings right now are just jumbled up. My feelings on school, my future, and relationships. I just want someone to tell me the pain aspect of what will happen in my future so I can be a little more at ease… but unfortunately that doesn't happen…at all. No one can tell you exactly what your future will be like, or even vaguely what it will be like, but I guess that's the beauty of life. I need to go to sleep and think… goodnight bloggers, and remember: "If you think too much about the future you will miss everything going on in the present."

Today was one of those days where your past comes back. I talked to a old co-worker and found out things about where I use to work. I realized how much things have changed for both me and them in the past 3 months. I can say that I know I have matured and I hope that they have too. When I go back for winter break I can only hope that I don't go back into old habits and I stay true to who I am. I am not a part of what I use to be. I'm not going to be that girl who hooks up, and shows off. People change and I have seen that everywhere. I'm simply there to make money and that's it. My life is not there anymore, I'm in college and I am ready to grow up. Anyone that still works there, I know may be down on life. But no matter how low or how old you are, you still have the ability to get up and make something else of your life.

The conversation really made me realize how much I have changed. I no longer think about this summer with you, about how I tried to chase after you without any luck. No longer will I be doing that. I know there will never be anything. I was stupid, and ever since I came here I realized that you were just using me. I never should have fallen, but at least I have learned. I sincerely hope you are happy with how everything is going with you and your new girlfriend. I know things won't be exactly the same, but I don't want things to be the way they were in the summer. I know someday my guy will come to me, but I'm a freshman in college… I have time. Besides if I have learned one thing about relationships and how to make them work is: you guys have to be solid best friends first, you might date other people, and it may take a year or more. Don't rush into things because it won't work if you do that.

I'm so tired, and I'm nauseous as well. I think I'm coming down with something so I'm going to try and get some more rest. Good night bloggers, Remember: "The things that happened in the past are the past, don't let them ruin you, because each day you grow and mature."

Some people have the decency!! Sorry guys, I had a rough evening. I went to a event at my school and there was this woman there who annoyed me so much! She is a psychologist and she was talking about her different patients, ex: "this one tried to commit suicide, this one is homeless, etc" I don't care if you didn't use their names, you are talking to a group of college , and graduate students. You don't know that no-one has a connection to any of the patients your talking about. It's not right, and I swear if you ever open your mouth about that again I will make sure that I go to your work and you will be out of a job within a week. I know people must think I go over the top and crazy, but I would never actually hurt someone.

Anyways I woke up for work at 7am… I was so tired, but it ended up being actually ok. This afternoon was a little rough. I was really neaseous and I was just exhausted. On top of all that I had to get a flu shot, not my favorite way to spend a Friday afternoon. This evening I was so bored I resorted to organizing, and cleaning my room. I have homework I need to do, laundry I need to do… I'm just to lazy to do any of that. Laundry requires me to go down to the washers and sit there for 2 hours. Homework… I just really have no motivation to do that. It however might come to that… I do like those quite nights but I have had those way to much lately. I hope that these nights get a bit more interesting.

I guess the last thing that is bothering me is my reflecting. I still don't know what is going on between us. I think I like you but I'm trying to convince myself as well everyone else I talk to that I don't like you. But is that really how I feel? That is the question I ask myself everyday. I just want answers. Can someone give that to me? Anyways I think I'm going to try to do something kinda interesting, remember: "Sometimes you can't explain what you see in a person. It's just the way they take you to a place no one else can."

Wow it's already November!! I feel as if yesterday was Sep. Today was pretty good. I realized I was the only one who actually dressed up for Halloween… I had to get up at 5am to walk one of my friends to the bus stop. I ran all the way back… I realized how much I love running outside. I feel like it's so much better.

Halloween day was pretty boring. I had a fun evening though. I got to hang out with one of my best friends and watch a scary movie and smoke. I can feel there might be something but at the same time I only see you as drifting away from me. I'm so unsure of everything with that situation right now. I find myself conciously flipping my hair back now. I know I use to do it but now whenever I do it I seems to analyze it…. All I know is that we're friends, best friends, and that's all I want to be right now. You came back into my life a bit however. I thought you had a thing with her but I guess it didn't work out. Does that mean things might change again? I'm honestly not sure if I'm ready for that. I need coaching, I have no idea what I am doing… at all.

I have work tomorrow at 7am, please help me. I am actually sleeping in most of my uniform… I should get to bed. Good night bloggers and remember: "a single smile can change someones life. So smile more, maybe it will change your life?"

Today was one of the best days I have ever had here at college. It started out with visiting my best friends at work. We had such a good time, simply talking and sharing thoughts. I learned some things that I never knew. I hope that it was all true. :)

Tonight was the Halloween party. I didn't think I was gonna go, but I ended up going, and it might have been one of the best decisions yet. I had so much fun, even though at times it was awkward, I had such a great time. When we walked back my feet were hurting so much it was painful to walk, you actually picked me up and carried me a good way home. It was so sweet, and the thing you said after will always be in my mind. It was so sweet of you.

I don't know how I feel about this. I think that I might have feelings but, at the same time I can never see us being anything but best friends. I know that I still wanna see where this goes with the other guy. I hope everything works out, but I know it will take time. But it will be worth it at the end.

 I'm exhausted. Goodnight bloggers. Remember: "There are somethings that someone once said, that you will never forget."

I seem to always be listening to music whenever I blog. I love it, it makes me feel more connected to what I'm writing and thinking. Today was still another day… at work I had co-workers ask me if I was ok. I guess I just seemed a little quite. I feel as if I have just been thinking more often, about life.

I'm still confused on my feelings towards you. I want my next relationship to mean something. I know it may not work out… but if I don't find them here, I still have years to find them. Although I want kids and a family, I know I still have some time to figure all that out. I find myself looking for you in the streets, you make me smile. I see how genuine you are, and how much I mean to you. I hope this will always be part of my life.

I want to start thinking of my future more. I mean what do I want, what are my standards? I always thought I had my goals and standards planned out, but when I think about it for more than a minute I ask myself, is this really what I want?

I have to go to sleep because I'm exhausted. I'm hoping to get this tattoo so I'll finish with this; goodnight bloggers and remember: "Dream without fear. Love without limits."

Somedays are just "normal" today was one of those days I guess. Nothing special happened just grocery shopping and hanging out. I really don't have much to tell you about my activities today.

However I had more time to think about my life decisions and what I really want in my life, both in the future and in the present. I realized I can't just live my life, and act on impulse. As much as that seems like that's what I want to do, I have to remember that is IN THE MOMENT, what about the future. Ever since Saturday my whole perspective has changed. I realized that I need to make goals, and set standards. I'm not going to be that dumb girl who hooks up with people to feel some sort of connection for one night. No, I want to be the girl who finds that one person, the right person for me. I know it won't just happen, I need time and patines. Something I am not very blessed with. I need to realize great things take time, all I can do right now is be happy, focus on school, and finding who I am. Friends are still coming and going, but I am starting to find people I really do connect to…. I am finally for once….happy.

I have never just taken a moment to look at my life and realize all the good I have in it. Ya, I know I'm still going to have those shitty days when I just want to die. But instead of moping around and just being pissed, I'm going to make the best of it and realize ya, I'm not perfect, my life isn't perfect, but hell, who is?! Somehow the people in my past are fading, the people I thought were right for me at one time are now just friends. I can't see myself with you if you are states away, and our values don't match. Ya, sure we may agree on somethings, but is that really enough? So for now, I have 2 guys on my mind, but even then I just am join to wait and see how things go. :)

Good-night fellow bloggers. Remember: Wake up each morning with a smile, be thankful for what you have and that you are alive. You never know when your life will break apart, so live it up!

2 days ago I hung out with some of my friends, I met a new friend and we had a good time. No thought or care was put into that evening. Little did I know in a few hours both of our lives would be changed forever.

I got the worst news I have ever in my life. The first things I thought of was me… what does this mean for me. But as soon as I thought that I realized I had 2 other people to tell the news to. Two other people who I cared so much for. I didn't know what their response would be. How would they act, and would they hate me forever. The thing that worried me the most however was the fact they would probably resent me for the rest of my life. Telling them what happened would be the hardest thing I have had to do in my entire life. It wasn't my family, it was my best friends. 

I am seriously BLESSED to have such understanding friends. I don't believe in god but something out there was hovering over me that day. I talked to each one of them individually. I owed them that much, both in respect and in friendship. I know things will be different between us, but is that different a bad different? I'm not sure. I really do hope not. One of the people it seemed like it didn't bother him at all. However the other person, I think affected him more. 

Out of this I have learned and had my eyes open to life. It's not always going to be the "normal life" that you thought it would be. Life will give you curve balls, you have two options though. You could run from it and ruin yourself over it OR you can face it, and move on. I know out there, somewhere someone has it so much worse than me. I just need to keep that in my mind. Realize that I'm not doing the worst, not at all. No matter if it gets worse, which I have hope it won't, there is always going to be someone out there suffering worse than me. I can't let this ruin my life, I know it will definitely affect my life forever. It will make the decisions I make something that I need to work on. I will be more careful about everything I say and do. I need to learn from this. 

I needed to get this out as soon as I could. I'll try and write another post later. For now remember: 

In life you're gonna have things that will bring you down. I have friends that understand and support me. I am thankful that I have them in my life. As much as that may be true, don't let it ruin you. There will ALWAYS be someone out there who cares, and will never leave your side no matter what. So even in the darkest hour don't loose hope, you will find that glimpse of light at the end. 

I look at my clock and it's 12am exactly. Today was a very stressful day. Mostly because of something my friend said to me. She told me I needed to just "go back from where I came from" because I don't have a open mind. Here is the thing. I may not have the most open mind ever but I'm also not completely fucked up. I'm just not use to city life thats all...

Other than that I had 2 more bad experiences... I guess you could say I just need time to adjust to this new city life. Something a lot of people have experienced but I have not. My RA did talk to me and he helped a lot. Today I started crying for the millionth time... 2 of my new friends, shut the door, came over to talk to me and said "we care, what is going on." This honestly mad my night. I really do have friends that care. I guess that's what I need to focus on now.

Last night I hung out with one person, I found that I have so much in common with them. Will this grow into something? I still have you in the back of my mind...In fact I wrote a poem for class about you. I just need time, and patience, which I don't have.

I'm hoping new things will surprise me, in a good way. And things with this one girl will get better. Until then: Good night bloggers Remember: "sometimes the most unexpected people come into your life, and are forever imprinted."

Wow today was such a busy hectic day!! I had of course class.. and then work. But we had a live auction of guys.... it was a fundraiser to raise money for the rugby team. I tried to buy one of my friends.. I'm still confused on my feelings towards all my feelings. Sometimes I feel as if we have a connection that is stronger than just friends, but then sometimes I see us only as friends. Today I told you I wasn't trying to buy a $89 date from you when you could just take me on one for free... You agreed it. I wasn't sure if you were joking... but I'm a sucker for those romantic dates. I want to find a guy... I'm just too lazy. Well I'm going to go to bed, to many things are on my mind tonight.

Remember: "Waiting could be the most painful thing to do, but in the end it could be worth it"

Oh gosh I feel as if I haven't written in a million years where as it has really only been a couple days. Well lets see, a lot has happened since then. My friend thought there was a mouse in her wall last night and I had to save her. That is always fun. I have definitely gotten happier in many ways since I have been here for a couple of months. It feels as if it has been so much longer than a couple of months.

My relationships with people here at college have open my eyes and mind up to what I want in the future. I know there isn't much guaranteed in life so take what you can get. I never thought 2 months ago I would be where I am today in college and with the friends I have made.

Today I did get a call though about my dad, he got in a bike accident. He had to have stitches, he can't eat, or drink, or drive a car. I didn't know how bad it was. He said he was ok, but the way my mom described it, it didn't seem so great. We have to have people come help out in the family. He needs to go to the dentist and things like that. I am worried about money of course but more importantly his safety and health. I know he is getting old. I always say things I don't mean and I regretted all of that today. I want him to be there for my wedding day, to see his grandchildren, I can't loose him now. Not now... I need him in my life. Please whatever power is out there, let him be ok and live a long time more.

I need to get some rest because it's already 3am so good night/ good morning and remember: "You never know when something will happen to you that will change your view on life in a single second. Keep your eyes, hears and most importantly heart open."

Today: how do I begin to describe today. I was a blur between stressful, chaotic, and fun. English today was simply a nightmare. I got into a huge argument and almost bitched out a close friend. As well as ended up leaving class sobbing for some reason....  I then skipped Sociology to go to Planned Parenthood with one of my best friends. It took 2.5 hours where it was only suppose to take a hour... It was not as bad as a lot of things though.

Tonight I went out to Chinese food and a girls night in! It was actually one of the better nights I have had here. I am really finding my groups of friends. I now have a close 2 groups of friends. Both of which I intend to stay in a close relationship with. It's nice to have that variety of personalities as well.

Although the news I got last night was not that great and did break my heart a bit, I need to realize everything in life doesn't always work out as you want it to. I guess I need to accept that and move on. Everything I said earlier is true. I do still care about you and I want the best for you.. it's just hard to accept the fact that you have moved on so quickly and I am still stuck in the past. Hopefully tomorrow is another step towards a better future. In the meantime all I can do is think, and hope for the best.

Goodnight bloggers remember: "Sometimes the most painful memories are the ones that open your eyes to what really has to happen in your life to make you happy."

I really gotta start blogging every night again. Anyways last night was just a typical old night. Except for the fact that I watched a horrifying scary movie and was screaming at 11:30pm... sorry for our screaming.

Today I had to wake up early to go to a doctors appointment. It was an important appointment as well... I FINALLY got on birth control. I'm not sure if that is T.M.I. but it has been something I wanted to get for about a year now. There have always been reasons I haven't been able to get on it, but today I got it. I got it! This will help me relax a bit more... just for personal reasons. On another note, I just watched a YouTube video from one of the people I am subscribed to and they are pregnant! I have never wanted a baby, I don't know why. I always think babies and little kids are really annoying and I had never wanted a child. But now I'm not so sure... I kind of want one now. Of course not until I am older and have the right finances and found the right guy. But needless to say, I think a baby is in my future. :)

I have been thinking about the other day quite a lot. Also about what I am going to do about you. I want so many things... and I'm not sure about my future. Sorry, I'm just rambling now, I think that it's just because I am watching the YouTube video of pregnant April. Anyways I need to get started on my essay.... I am so lazy... I'll write later tonight.

Have a great day guys!!! Remember: "Just because you don't want something now doesn't mean you don't want it in the future, so keep an open mind because you never know what is in store for you." :)

I completely forgot to post yesterday! Well yesterday was pretty much like all the other days...but not. I had class and then work. I worked out yesterday which I was proud of. I had a big psychology test which I am nervous about getting back. Work was good though, I was able to just relax and chill most of my shift. I had a good unexpected evening though. I went to watch tv with my best friend and ended up sleeping over... not expected. But then again I can't say I disapprove.

I think that life might be turning around. Ya, I haven't even come close to finding anyone but yesterday gave me a bit of hope. I hope things continue to grow in a positive direction. This is the second time my "wishes" have come true. Maybe wishing on your birthday and on 11:11 really does do something?

Anyways, I forgot to post last night so I figured, I might as well do it now. Have a great afternoon! Remember: "Sometimes the most unexpected moments mean the most."

Today... how do I explain today? Well it started out nice, I had great quality time with my family. We were able to go shopping and get necessities (quite a lot of money spent) and then we got lunch. I realized how much I actually missed my family. I know we had the bad times but I really do feel blessed to have the family I do. I realized that they do care, and they will be there for me. Every time in the future when I want something and they wont get it for me I have to think of today and the $450 spent on things I needed for college. I can never say I was ungrateful ever again. I loved spending time with my family and I cant wait to see them again in a couple months.

I actually met some new friends today. Well I bonded closer with one, and then met another one. The evening was rough. Seeing my friend have guys flaunt her was depressing. I couldn't handle it... we had a talk and she brought to light so many things. I need to find self confidence. I always think that if I think too hard about myself then I will turn into the snobby bitches and I will be too confident in myself. I want that one guy that will look at me and see me as beautiful. Just knowing that someone sees that in you makes everything a bit better. I came to college wanting standards but ever since I got here I had fallen for any guy that will make the hole in my heart a bit less empty. My friend told me that the girls that have those standards are the ones everyone looks upon and respects. That I will find that one guy, I need to wait though. I know I'm not good at waiting. Each day that passes I see myself as not worthy enough, that no guy thinks I'm pretty or likes me,  let alone another guy that is attractive as well. Life is a waiting game, but is it one I want to play now? I see all my other friends getting guys, having guys looks at them... it just makes me feel unwanted....

I guess I need to re-evaluate myself. Find something good in me, something I am proud of looking in the mirror at. I know I compare myself, and that I try and conform myself to guys that like ideal girls. But thats not me, and if I want to find a guy that is right, I cant be anyone but myself. I still care about you but it's hard to connect when you are so far away. I miss you, I miss that connection we had when we were together. I guess that is what I have been searching for.

I needed to study but of course I got side tracked. I procrastinate too much. I can't fail college... I need to stay here... having all a's and b's. I should email my professors and ask what my grades are. There are so much things I need to do, and I think I am focusing too much on finding people that accept me, that like me, and that I can connect with. It's time for me to sit down and get work done.

I need sleep. Goodnight fellow bloggers. Remember: "Look in the mirror and find one good thing about yourself you love, because if you can't love yourself, how do you expect others to love you."

Today was better than I had expected. I actually had a good time with my family. A break from what I usually have with them, which is fighting non stop. I had a nice dinner with them and one of my best friends. It was actually one of the best nights I have had with my family in a very long time. I hope that when I come home for the holidays I am able to maintain that relationship.

Seeing so many people with the people they love does make me miss you. I found myself staring at pictures of us I have on my wall from this summer. I sincerely miss the times I was able to spend with you. Even though it was limited I feel as if we have a stronger connection. I think being in college had strengthened our relationship. When we both get back I hope it will be even better than when we left... I feel as if the conversations we have had at the time we were in college have made us grow. If everything you said to me was true, things may turn out? I know I still have you in the back of my mind. But as of right now, you have moved on... and I just have to accept that.

I need sleep, but good night. "If you love tell them, because the unspoken words are what can hurt the most."

Today was interesting... I got called into work because my schedule changed. I then got a bad phone call which made my day so much worse. I guess the good part was winning our door decorating contest. Our door was hideous. We wanted to make it as ugly as we could. We had a great idea and then it fell through so we simply decided to stick random stuff on our door. That sounds like such a bad idea and trust me, it was. But somehow we won. The judges said it was because we had "detail "I'm hoping tomorrow is a good day. It's parents weekend and I'm dreading it at the moment. I don't get along with my family at all... we have had a strained relationship for some reason. It's to much to explain right now, I'm just worried this whole weekend will be to stressful.

I'm still torn about my relationship situation. I see you and it feels right yet at the same time wrong. I don't know what to do. I'm not sure what I really want?... I think I just need more time to figure things out. I'm not patient so lets see how well this goes. In the meantime he is still the guy in my life, the one I want to be with.

Night Friends, remember: "Each day is a new day, a new chance to change your life."

I'm still confused on what I do. What do I choose, what do say? I'm so bad at expressing my feelings at all...about anything. Especially this. Hopefully sometime soon I'll get a solution. I want to tell you how I feel, yet I keep telling you the opposite. I think its because I WANT to believe that it's the truth. In the mean time just trying to focus on my schoolwork. Maybe someday my prince charming will come to me.

Today was yet another unproductive day.. I had school, then ate... Ya I didn't go to the gym though. I feel like I don't really have the strength to do anything anymore. I did however re-unite with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. I was able to walk her to the bus station and say bye.

Do any of you ever feel like your life revolves around what other people think about you? You are so focused on the fact of trying to please everyone you forget to make yourself happy. I have that problem a lot. I want to please everyone... yet I can't be happy myself. I'm so caught up on trying to make our friendship work, so that every time I hang out with you I don't have that urge just to punch you in the face. I don't know... I just don't connect with you. No matter how hard I try. It feels like the moment you saw me you decided to hate me. I do things for my friends... I'm sorry but I'm not going to treat them the same when you treat me like shit. Yet you pressure me into doing those things for you... I don't want everyone else to hate me. Especially because they all love you. I just can't stand the way you act towards me. I don't know if it's intentional. I have the feeling it is... Maybe someday you will give me another chance?

I'll leave you with this: "All you can do is live one day at a time, because someday that one day will turn into more than just another day. It will turn into your future. So don't loose hope and don't give up."

Those days when you are completely exhausted.... ya, it's one of those days. I finished a shift at work and I need to go to the gym, yet like always I have homework... which really means I'm on social media sites. I woke up today and I missed 3 classes... I know I shouldn't but I needed sleep. Besides that I got things done today. I organized my clothing, went through random stuff I have and read more in my book. I'm back to being confused on my feelings, on multiple levels. Why is it that every time I think that things are working out I get myself backfired on?

Do you get through those times in life when you on confused on what you want? I feel as if I have a goal.. but yet it's too vague. I don't know what I want and that upsets me. I feel as if I should have my life together, especially my romantic life. I guess I just need to go with what I always tell people "don't go out looking, it happens when it happens." I tell people that all the time, and I like to think I believe that. Yet somehow I don't for some reason. Maybe it's because I want things to work out and I am looking? With each day passing it comes closer to seeing you again, yet closer to leaving you... I want to tell you what is happening. I guess I'm too afraid to go through all of the heart aches and awkwardness of it. I keep telling people one thing, I guess it's because thats what I want it to be like... I'm not sure if you believe it. I want to confront you but I don't have the courage yet. But with each day I think it's getting better. There are times when you are so obnoxious and I don't see how anyone can stand you yet there are other moments when I see you as more than that. I guess I'm wishing for something that won't come true.

"If they don't love you at your worst, than they don't deserve you at your best." I just need to stick to what I want… it's just... hard.

Sometimes it seems like I doubt myself. I have always had trouble with accepting the truth whether it was a good truth or a bad truth. Today I got the answer I wanted. I was beginning to have my doubts about my feelings towards you, for different reasons. I wasn't sure of my future, you weren't texting back and I would ask myself is there another guy here at college I'm falling for? But as soon as I saw your face and started to talk to you all those doubts faded away. I know that seems cliché but it is true. I realized that ya, I don't know where life is going to take me but I know that at least for the moment someone cares for me the same way I care for them. I have my whole life ahead of me. I like to think ahead and try and plan what my future looks like, but sometimes I forget the reality: life happens. You don't know what to expect, stop being afraid to take chances, and get your heart broken.

As long as you're happy with your decisions thats what matters. I can't live my life in fear, and I need to be myself, even if it hurts me temporarily. Time really does heal everything. So: "Don't live in your past, don't plan your future, just live in the moment. You have one life to live, make it count."

Goodnight Bloggers