I guess this week as a whole hasn't exactly been the best week. I know I told myself I was going to be more positive, however after what happened last night that seems to be, once again untrue. I thought I had made a real friend, someone who in the last couple weeks I have really connected to. I thought that I had misunderstood everything that people had said about her, I had told her things about myself. It seemed as if we were becoming really good friends. She was someone who understood how I felt with this school, with being misunderstood. However, after last night and this morning it seemed as if that all changed. I didn't know that I was being a bitch… I honestly thought that she had the door, I never dissed her makeup. She had shot me back with negative accusations, yet all I did was try to apologize, I tried to explain. I didn't mention that she hadn't exactly been treating me like a friend, and also I think she stole money from me. I know lock my doors and keep my valuables hidden. I don't know about our friendship, I honestly thought that we were really good friends. The things you accused and said to me however remind me that I might have been completely wrong.

My whole life I have had a hard time trusting people, I have either put to much trust in someone to the point where they hurt me or I have not trusted someone when I should have. I tend to be sheltered, however when it comes to some things I am very outspoken and loud about them. I don't put up with shit. I don't open up, I have feelings. Even thought I might have seem as if all I do is be a bitch, I really try not to. I don't see myself as it, I really am trying to change, to become a better person. I hoped that maybe this last month would be a easy good month, however a this point I really don't know. I want to say that my attitude has changed and that I'm a more positive person, I truly believe that it's just really hard to feel that way all the time. When I trust someone and become someone's friend I expect at least respect… and I got the farthest thing from that. I guess the only thing I can say is that I need to be more guarded… I can't be myself.

I really did wish that I had made friends that would last, however it is becoming harder and harder to see who is really there for me and who is not. I tried, I really did… I just can't go on like this anymore. I need to leave, to pack my things and go somewhere where I don't have these people around me. I guess the things they say about Point Park Community are bullshit. Remember the quote: "friends forever" that is absolutely fucking bullshit!!

I actually miss putting down my thoughts. It brings me peace for a second, just a time when I can think about the say and just write. Anyways, I guess today's struggle was work. I got so aggravated, I don't think people realize that when we say "we're out of something" you can't ask "why".... I WILL give you attitude. I wish that I called off today, it was just way to stressful. I did however get a lot of things done in terms of my essays. I just want to be ahead, and know that I will be ok. I'm a little worried that my high school transcripts haven't reached any of my colleges yet... I really hope they get there soon...

I guess today was just a normal day. Spending time with my close friend was the best part. I can express my feeling, and know that someone else feel like this and agrees. I am exhausted, but once again I'm falling asleep happy. I don't know if others can see that I have changed, maybe I still seem like the same girl, but I know that i've changed. I know that I'm a better, and happier person. The things I have gotten through and realized in the past month and a half have made me stronger. I really don't care if others can't see that I've changed, all that matters to me is that I can see my change. I hope that one day others can see that I have, and that because of the things that have recently happened I'm happier. I just want to sleep, g'night bloggers, remember: "Sometimes you have to realize you have done all in your power and the only thing to do is wait or leave it be."

It seems like such a beautiful day outside, well it IS such a beautiful day outside yet something isn't right. I love sitting out simply doing homework and relaxing however ever since the rumor had been re-circulating I have become much more observant with the people around me. I feel like every where I go I am being looked at and talked about. All because of one stupid rumor that I had thought I put behind me. Like I said, I didn't come to college to comply be in hight school grade 13. I came to college in the hopes that it would be different, all the cliques, the rumors, and the drama would be gone. When I asked people what college was about they always told me it was nothing like high school, they told me it was completely different. I wanted to believe them, but its nothing like that where I am. A simple rumor is spread faster than water, and its such a small school that everyone knows about it. No one has come to talk to me about it, everyone just assumes the first thing they hear. I'm not going to get into the rumor because it was extreme private and personal. All I can say is that I hoped by the time people are 18-21 all this bullshit has stopped and people have matured. I admit that I have contributed to rumors however I have ever started a rumor. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I have never said anything, but we all have. I am willing to put this all behind me. I feel as if everyone knows all over again, and they are all staring and talking about me. I know its probably simply my imagination but I am still worried about it.

Fot the last month I am here all I ask is for the rumors to stop and to let me just enjoy my last month here with the friends I have made. I really just want this month to be calmness. I you hear something about me come to me and talk to me. I'm not going to bite, intact I will straight up tell you the truth. I would want somme one to do the same to me, the only thing I ask is for this all to stop. Please.

Other than the whole rumor spreading/paranoid thing I guess things have been ok. I ground out that I'm actually going ok in English, if i can do well on my last 4 assignments then I can definitely get a B. I was productive on Sun. and I'm proud of myself for that. Along with that I have been having good things with friends happen. I have grown closer to people and met someone I wish I had met way before this month. I know that I have people behind my back, and that are there for me. Those are the people that I will cherish forever. I don't take friendship lightly, if I'm you're friend I'm by your side through thick ad thin. Over these past few days I have met someone who I think might actually be decent. He is genuine from what I know, he is actually a person I would love to talk to and get to know better. I don't know him very well but I already have so much respect for him, when heard the rumor he ASKED me about it and let me tell my side, and most of all he believed me. When I thanked him for asking me about it instead of simply confronting me all he said was "I know there are 2 sides to every story." I don't know what is going to happen but I want to make this last month count. I know that I am capable of being happy and I am a strong person but sometimes it's hard to look beyond what people are saying and simply ignore it. I guess all I can say is I know that I have people behind my back and that's all that maters. Remember: "Everyday may not be good... but there's something good in everyday."