Wow it's already November!! I feel as if yesterday was Sep. Today was pretty good. I realized I was the only one who actually dressed up for Halloween… I had to get up at 5am to walk one of my friends to the bus stop. I ran all the way back… I realized how much I love running outside. I feel like it's so much better.

Halloween day was pretty boring. I had a fun evening though. I got to hang out with one of my best friends and watch a scary movie and smoke. I can feel there might be something but at the same time I only see you as drifting away from me. I'm so unsure of everything with that situation right now. I find myself conciously flipping my hair back now. I know I use to do it but now whenever I do it I seems to analyze it…. All I know is that we're friends, best friends, and that's all I want to be right now. You came back into my life a bit however. I thought you had a thing with her but I guess it didn't work out. Does that mean things might change again? I'm honestly not sure if I'm ready for that. I need coaching, I have no idea what I am doing… at all.

I have work tomorrow at 7am, please help me. I am actually sleeping in most of my uniform… I should get to bed. Good night bloggers and remember: "a single smile can change someones life. So smile more, maybe it will change your life?"

Today was one of the best days I have ever had here at college. It started out with visiting my best friends at work. We had such a good time, simply talking and sharing thoughts. I learned some things that I never knew. I hope that it was all true. :)

Tonight was the Halloween party. I didn't think I was gonna go, but I ended up going, and it might have been one of the best decisions yet. I had so much fun, even though at times it was awkward, I had such a great time. When we walked back my feet were hurting so much it was painful to walk, you actually picked me up and carried me a good way home. It was so sweet, and the thing you said after will always be in my mind. It was so sweet of you.

I don't know how I feel about this. I think that I might have feelings but, at the same time I can never see us being anything but best friends. I know that I still wanna see where this goes with the other guy. I hope everything works out, but I know it will take time. But it will be worth it at the end.

 I'm exhausted. Goodnight bloggers. Remember: "There are somethings that someone once said, that you will never forget."

I seem to always be listening to music whenever I blog. I love it, it makes me feel more connected to what I'm writing and thinking. Today was still another day… at work I had co-workers ask me if I was ok. I guess I just seemed a little quite. I feel as if I have just been thinking more often, about life.

I'm still confused on my feelings towards you. I want my next relationship to mean something. I know it may not work out… but if I don't find them here, I still have years to find them. Although I want kids and a family, I know I still have some time to figure all that out. I find myself looking for you in the streets, you make me smile. I see how genuine you are, and how much I mean to you. I hope this will always be part of my life.

I want to start thinking of my future more. I mean what do I want, what are my standards? I always thought I had my goals and standards planned out, but when I think about it for more than a minute I ask myself, is this really what I want?

I have to go to sleep because I'm exhausted. I'm hoping to get this tattoo so I'll finish with this; goodnight bloggers and remember: "Dream without fear. Love without limits."

Somedays are just "normal" today was one of those days I guess. Nothing special happened just grocery shopping and hanging out. I really don't have much to tell you about my activities today.

However I had more time to think about my life decisions and what I really want in my life, both in the future and in the present. I realized I can't just live my life, and act on impulse. As much as that seems like that's what I want to do, I have to remember that is IN THE MOMENT, what about the future. Ever since Saturday my whole perspective has changed. I realized that I need to make goals, and set standards. I'm not going to be that dumb girl who hooks up with people to feel some sort of connection for one night. No, I want to be the girl who finds that one person, the right person for me. I know it won't just happen, I need time and patines. Something I am not very blessed with. I need to realize great things take time, all I can do right now is be happy, focus on school, and finding who I am. Friends are still coming and going, but I am starting to find people I really do connect to…. I am finally for once….happy.

I have never just taken a moment to look at my life and realize all the good I have in it. Ya, I know I'm still going to have those shitty days when I just want to die. But instead of moping around and just being pissed, I'm going to make the best of it and realize ya, I'm not perfect, my life isn't perfect, but hell, who is?! Somehow the people in my past are fading, the people I thought were right for me at one time are now just friends. I can't see myself with you if you are states away, and our values don't match. Ya, sure we may agree on somethings, but is that really enough? So for now, I have 2 guys on my mind, but even then I just am join to wait and see how things go. :)

Good-night fellow bloggers. Remember: Wake up each morning with a smile, be thankful for what you have and that you are alive. You never know when your life will break apart, so live it up!

2 days ago I hung out with some of my friends, I met a new friend and we had a good time. No thought or care was put into that evening. Little did I know in a few hours both of our lives would be changed forever.

I got the worst news I have ever in my life. The first things I thought of was me… what does this mean for me. But as soon as I thought that I realized I had 2 other people to tell the news to. Two other people who I cared so much for. I didn't know what their response would be. How would they act, and would they hate me forever. The thing that worried me the most however was the fact they would probably resent me for the rest of my life. Telling them what happened would be the hardest thing I have had to do in my entire life. It wasn't my family, it was my best friends. 

I am seriously BLESSED to have such understanding friends. I don't believe in god but something out there was hovering over me that day. I talked to each one of them individually. I owed them that much, both in respect and in friendship. I know things will be different between us, but is that different a bad different? I'm not sure. I really do hope not. One of the people it seemed like it didn't bother him at all. However the other person, I think affected him more. 

Out of this I have learned and had my eyes open to life. It's not always going to be the "normal life" that you thought it would be. Life will give you curve balls, you have two options though. You could run from it and ruin yourself over it OR you can face it, and move on. I know out there, somewhere someone has it so much worse than me. I just need to keep that in my mind. Realize that I'm not doing the worst, not at all. No matter if it gets worse, which I have hope it won't, there is always going to be someone out there suffering worse than me. I can't let this ruin my life, I know it will definitely affect my life forever. It will make the decisions I make something that I need to work on. I will be more careful about everything I say and do. I need to learn from this. 

I needed to get this out as soon as I could. I'll try and write another post later. For now remember: 

In life you're gonna have things that will bring you down. I have friends that understand and support me. I am thankful that I have them in my life. As much as that may be true, don't let it ruin you. There will ALWAYS be someone out there who cares, and will never leave your side no matter what. So even in the darkest hour don't loose hope, you will find that glimpse of light at the end. 

I look at my clock and it's 12am exactly. Today was a very stressful day. Mostly because of something my friend said to me. She told me I needed to just "go back from where I came from" because I don't have a open mind. Here is the thing. I may not have the most open mind ever but I'm also not completely fucked up. I'm just not use to city life thats all...

Other than that I had 2 more bad experiences... I guess you could say I just need time to adjust to this new city life. Something a lot of people have experienced but I have not. My RA did talk to me and he helped a lot. Today I started crying for the millionth time... 2 of my new friends, shut the door, came over to talk to me and said "we care, what is going on." This honestly mad my night. I really do have friends that care. I guess that's what I need to focus on now.

Last night I hung out with one person, I found that I have so much in common with them. Will this grow into something? I still have you in the back of my mind...In fact I wrote a poem for class about you. I just need time, and patience, which I don't have.

I'm hoping new things will surprise me, in a good way. And things with this one girl will get better. Until then: Good night bloggers Remember: "sometimes the most unexpected people come into your life, and are forever imprinted."

Wow today was such a busy hectic day!! I had of course class.. and then work. But we had a live auction of guys.... it was a fundraiser to raise money for the rugby team. I tried to buy one of my friends.. I'm still confused on my feelings towards all my feelings. Sometimes I feel as if we have a connection that is stronger than just friends, but then sometimes I see us only as friends. Today I told you I wasn't trying to buy a $89 date from you when you could just take me on one for free... You agreed it. I wasn't sure if you were joking... but I'm a sucker for those romantic dates. I want to find a guy... I'm just too lazy. Well I'm going to go to bed, to many things are on my mind tonight.

Remember: "Waiting could be the most painful thing to do, but in the end it could be worth it"

Oh gosh I feel as if I haven't written in a million years where as it has really only been a couple days. Well lets see, a lot has happened since then. My friend thought there was a mouse in her wall last night and I had to save her. That is always fun. I have definitely gotten happier in many ways since I have been here for a couple of months. It feels as if it has been so much longer than a couple of months.

My relationships with people here at college have open my eyes and mind up to what I want in the future. I know there isn't much guaranteed in life so take what you can get. I never thought 2 months ago I would be where I am today in college and with the friends I have made.

Today I did get a call though about my dad, he got in a bike accident. He had to have stitches, he can't eat, or drink, or drive a car. I didn't know how bad it was. He said he was ok, but the way my mom described it, it didn't seem so great. We have to have people come help out in the family. He needs to go to the dentist and things like that. I am worried about money of course but more importantly his safety and health. I know he is getting old. I always say things I don't mean and I regretted all of that today. I want him to be there for my wedding day, to see his grandchildren, I can't loose him now. Not now... I need him in my life. Please whatever power is out there, let him be ok and live a long time more.

I need to get some rest because it's already 3am so good night/ good morning and remember: "You never know when something will happen to you that will change your view on life in a single second. Keep your eyes, hears and most importantly heart open."

Today: how do I begin to describe today. I was a blur between stressful, chaotic, and fun. English today was simply a nightmare. I got into a huge argument and almost bitched out a close friend. As well as ended up leaving class sobbing for some reason....  I then skipped Sociology to go to Planned Parenthood with one of my best friends. It took 2.5 hours where it was only suppose to take a hour... It was not as bad as a lot of things though.

Tonight I went out to Chinese food and a girls night in! It was actually one of the better nights I have had here. I am really finding my groups of friends. I now have a close 2 groups of friends. Both of which I intend to stay in a close relationship with. It's nice to have that variety of personalities as well.

Although the news I got last night was not that great and did break my heart a bit, I need to realize everything in life doesn't always work out as you want it to. I guess I need to accept that and move on. Everything I said earlier is true. I do still care about you and I want the best for you.. it's just hard to accept the fact that you have moved on so quickly and I am still stuck in the past. Hopefully tomorrow is another step towards a better future. In the meantime all I can do is think, and hope for the best.

Goodnight bloggers remember: "Sometimes the most painful memories are the ones that open your eyes to what really has to happen in your life to make you happy."

I really gotta start blogging every night again. Anyways last night was just a typical old night. Except for the fact that I watched a horrifying scary movie and was screaming at 11:30pm... sorry for our screaming.

Today I had to wake up early to go to a doctors appointment. It was an important appointment as well... I FINALLY got on birth control. I'm not sure if that is T.M.I. but it has been something I wanted to get for about a year now. There have always been reasons I haven't been able to get on it, but today I got it. I got it! This will help me relax a bit more... just for personal reasons. On another note, I just watched a YouTube video from one of the people I am subscribed to and they are pregnant! I have never wanted a baby, I don't know why. I always think babies and little kids are really annoying and I had never wanted a child. But now I'm not so sure... I kind of want one now. Of course not until I am older and have the right finances and found the right guy. But needless to say, I think a baby is in my future. :)

I have been thinking about the other day quite a lot. Also about what I am going to do about you. I want so many things... and I'm not sure about my future. Sorry, I'm just rambling now, I think that it's just because I am watching the YouTube video of pregnant April. Anyways I need to get started on my essay.... I am so lazy... I'll write later tonight.

Have a great day guys!!! Remember: "Just because you don't want something now doesn't mean you don't want it in the future, so keep an open mind because you never know what is in store for you." :)

I completely forgot to post yesterday! Well yesterday was pretty much like all the other days...but not. I had class and then work. I worked out yesterday which I was proud of. I had a big psychology test which I am nervous about getting back. Work was good though, I was able to just relax and chill most of my shift. I had a good unexpected evening though. I went to watch tv with my best friend and ended up sleeping over... not expected. But then again I can't say I disapprove.

I think that life might be turning around. Ya, I haven't even come close to finding anyone but yesterday gave me a bit of hope. I hope things continue to grow in a positive direction. This is the second time my "wishes" have come true. Maybe wishing on your birthday and on 11:11 really does do something?

Anyways, I forgot to post last night so I figured, I might as well do it now. Have a great afternoon! Remember: "Sometimes the most unexpected moments mean the most."

Today... how do I explain today? Well it started out nice, I had great quality time with my family. We were able to go shopping and get necessities (quite a lot of money spent) and then we got lunch. I realized how much I actually missed my family. I know we had the bad times but I really do feel blessed to have the family I do. I realized that they do care, and they will be there for me. Every time in the future when I want something and they wont get it for me I have to think of today and the $450 spent on things I needed for college. I can never say I was ungrateful ever again. I loved spending time with my family and I cant wait to see them again in a couple months.

I actually met some new friends today. Well I bonded closer with one, and then met another one. The evening was rough. Seeing my friend have guys flaunt her was depressing. I couldn't handle it... we had a talk and she brought to light so many things. I need to find self confidence. I always think that if I think too hard about myself then I will turn into the snobby bitches and I will be too confident in myself. I want that one guy that will look at me and see me as beautiful. Just knowing that someone sees that in you makes everything a bit better. I came to college wanting standards but ever since I got here I had fallen for any guy that will make the hole in my heart a bit less empty. My friend told me that the girls that have those standards are the ones everyone looks upon and respects. That I will find that one guy, I need to wait though. I know I'm not good at waiting. Each day that passes I see myself as not worthy enough, that no guy thinks I'm pretty or likes me,  let alone another guy that is attractive as well. Life is a waiting game, but is it one I want to play now? I see all my other friends getting guys, having guys looks at them... it just makes me feel unwanted....

I guess I need to re-evaluate myself. Find something good in me, something I am proud of looking in the mirror at. I know I compare myself, and that I try and conform myself to guys that like ideal girls. But thats not me, and if I want to find a guy that is right, I cant be anyone but myself. I still care about you but it's hard to connect when you are so far away. I miss you, I miss that connection we had when we were together. I guess that is what I have been searching for.

I needed to study but of course I got side tracked. I procrastinate too much. I can't fail college... I need to stay here... having all a's and b's. I should email my professors and ask what my grades are. There are so much things I need to do, and I think I am focusing too much on finding people that accept me, that like me, and that I can connect with. It's time for me to sit down and get work done.

I need sleep. Goodnight fellow bloggers. Remember: "Look in the mirror and find one good thing about yourself you love, because if you can't love yourself, how do you expect others to love you."

Today was better than I had expected. I actually had a good time with my family. A break from what I usually have with them, which is fighting non stop. I had a nice dinner with them and one of my best friends. It was actually one of the best nights I have had with my family in a very long time. I hope that when I come home for the holidays I am able to maintain that relationship.

Seeing so many people with the people they love does make me miss you. I found myself staring at pictures of us I have on my wall from this summer. I sincerely miss the times I was able to spend with you. Even though it was limited I feel as if we have a stronger connection. I think being in college had strengthened our relationship. When we both get back I hope it will be even better than when we left... I feel as if the conversations we have had at the time we were in college have made us grow. If everything you said to me was true, things may turn out? I know I still have you in the back of my mind. But as of right now, you have moved on... and I just have to accept that.

I need sleep, but good night. "If you love tell them, because the unspoken words are what can hurt the most."

Today was interesting... I got called into work because my schedule changed. I then got a bad phone call which made my day so much worse. I guess the good part was winning our door decorating contest. Our door was hideous. We wanted to make it as ugly as we could. We had a great idea and then it fell through so we simply decided to stick random stuff on our door. That sounds like such a bad idea and trust me, it was. But somehow we won. The judges said it was because we had "detail "I'm hoping tomorrow is a good day. It's parents weekend and I'm dreading it at the moment. I don't get along with my family at all... we have had a strained relationship for some reason. It's to much to explain right now, I'm just worried this whole weekend will be to stressful.

I'm still torn about my relationship situation. I see you and it feels right yet at the same time wrong. I don't know what to do. I'm not sure what I really want?... I think I just need more time to figure things out. I'm not patient so lets see how well this goes. In the meantime he is still the guy in my life, the one I want to be with.

Night Friends, remember: "Each day is a new day, a new chance to change your life."

I'm still confused on what I do. What do I choose, what do say? I'm so bad at expressing my feelings at all...about anything. Especially this. Hopefully sometime soon I'll get a solution. I want to tell you how I feel, yet I keep telling you the opposite. I think its because I WANT to believe that it's the truth. In the mean time just trying to focus on my schoolwork. Maybe someday my prince charming will come to me.

Today was yet another unproductive day.. I had school, then ate... Ya I didn't go to the gym though. I feel like I don't really have the strength to do anything anymore. I did however re-unite with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. I was able to walk her to the bus station and say bye.

Do any of you ever feel like your life revolves around what other people think about you? You are so focused on the fact of trying to please everyone you forget to make yourself happy. I have that problem a lot. I want to please everyone... yet I can't be happy myself. I'm so caught up on trying to make our friendship work, so that every time I hang out with you I don't have that urge just to punch you in the face. I don't know... I just don't connect with you. No matter how hard I try. It feels like the moment you saw me you decided to hate me. I do things for my friends... I'm sorry but I'm not going to treat them the same when you treat me like shit. Yet you pressure me into doing those things for you... I don't want everyone else to hate me. Especially because they all love you. I just can't stand the way you act towards me. I don't know if it's intentional. I have the feeling it is... Maybe someday you will give me another chance?

I'll leave you with this: "All you can do is live one day at a time, because someday that one day will turn into more than just another day. It will turn into your future. So don't loose hope and don't give up."

Those days when you are completely exhausted.... ya, it's one of those days. I finished a shift at work and I need to go to the gym, yet like always I have homework... which really means I'm on social media sites. I woke up today and I missed 3 classes... I know I shouldn't but I needed sleep. Besides that I got things done today. I organized my clothing, went through random stuff I have and read more in my book. I'm back to being confused on my feelings, on multiple levels. Why is it that every time I think that things are working out I get myself backfired on?

Do you get through those times in life when you on confused on what you want? I feel as if I have a goal.. but yet it's too vague. I don't know what I want and that upsets me. I feel as if I should have my life together, especially my romantic life. I guess I just need to go with what I always tell people "don't go out looking, it happens when it happens." I tell people that all the time, and I like to think I believe that. Yet somehow I don't for some reason. Maybe it's because I want things to work out and I am looking? With each day passing it comes closer to seeing you again, yet closer to leaving you... I want to tell you what is happening. I guess I'm too afraid to go through all of the heart aches and awkwardness of it. I keep telling people one thing, I guess it's because thats what I want it to be like... I'm not sure if you believe it. I want to confront you but I don't have the courage yet. But with each day I think it's getting better. There are times when you are so obnoxious and I don't see how anyone can stand you yet there are other moments when I see you as more than that. I guess I'm wishing for something that won't come true.

"If they don't love you at your worst, than they don't deserve you at your best." I just need to stick to what I want… it's just... hard.

Sometimes it seems like I doubt myself. I have always had trouble with accepting the truth whether it was a good truth or a bad truth. Today I got the answer I wanted. I was beginning to have my doubts about my feelings towards you, for different reasons. I wasn't sure of my future, you weren't texting back and I would ask myself is there another guy here at college I'm falling for? But as soon as I saw your face and started to talk to you all those doubts faded away. I know that seems cliché but it is true. I realized that ya, I don't know where life is going to take me but I know that at least for the moment someone cares for me the same way I care for them. I have my whole life ahead of me. I like to think ahead and try and plan what my future looks like, but sometimes I forget the reality: life happens. You don't know what to expect, stop being afraid to take chances, and get your heart broken.

As long as you're happy with your decisions thats what matters. I can't live my life in fear, and I need to be myself, even if it hurts me temporarily. Time really does heal everything. So: "Don't live in your past, don't plan your future, just live in the moment. You have one life to live, make it count."

Goodnight Bloggers